life.

it's really funny how things just fall into place...

i know in my past i was a bad person im not going to lie, use to run with some pretty bad people and did some pretty bad and ruthless things that i probably wont be able to forgive myself for even if i prayed every single night of my life. im done with that whole scene, im just over it and ive been over it, picking fights, thinking im the hardest thing that walks this planet, wearing clothes that probably will take 3 of me to fit...i take a look back at what ive done in the past and i think what was i thinking and why did i do it? for pride? for respect? for fear? for bragging rights? till this day i still dont know what i was thinking...

i know its my responsibility to take care of my mom, but at times i cant help but to explode, i know im already 20 years old and i should be mature enough not to but then again i might not be THAT young but im still in my prime, and i want to go out just to have fun with my best friends or just chill with the girl i love the most right now, when i explode and just storm off, i forget to sit down and think...damn..how would i feel if i cant do all the things that i do now, cant walk around the block, cant go to places without worrying about pain... so now ive realized that and im working on keeping my temper down..

i dont know what i did during these past few years for this angel to come into my life. before her i was just used as a filler to certain someone, yeah shes ok as a friend but sometimes i think back to my past with her and ask myself, why did i want to stay with her so badly? she just used me when i was needed, it such a staggering blow to my head because this girl now treats me SO RIGHT and i know what it is like to truly be loved by somebody. she makes me feel im actually wanted and worthy of her time. and i know deep down she will never do anything to hurt me, i love her so much, id do anything for her...You know who you are baby..

as for my dad, i dont know about him, i know he loves me and my sister very much, but the more my mom reveals to me the more i think and see it that a girl can change anything they want to about a man. he makes a pretty decent amount of money, but yet he always says hes "tapped out" i dont know if its the truth or he had gone drinking the night before? or maybe he had a date a few nights ago. i wish that i knew the truth what really went on between my parents to make them split up, i know that my mom and dad fought quite often, but i mean thats something so little, if you really love the person you guys can work through anything.

i got the best friends in the whole world. no matter what happens i know that they will be there for me, no matter how "shady" i may seem to be...all we need to do is work it out and maybe talk about the subject and seriously talk and not mess around or beat around the bush and i know we will meet eye to eye when its all said and done. without them times would be pretty rough and i know that i need them in my life.

my sister...through the years shes taken care of me, when i was younger she was so nice to me, she would make me food, teach me how to spell, work on my reading skills, and just be the best sister in the world. but now, after she attended UCR and she had graduated when we arrived home, she seemed like she had changed, she wasnt the same sister i knew for so many years, she would throw out rude comments about me, or my possessions, or how i dressed that day, i mean i didnt mind what she thought because im just not that type of guy, but some comments are just unneeded or we can do without them. just the other day she had offered me a bed that i couldnt refuse, and they even steamed cleaned it for me and all the works. then my mom starts complaining about something i can hear her from beyond the door, so i go out there and ask her whats wrong, and she says does it seem to you that lauren is acting like a little bitc* these days? and i just say iono and walk back to my room...but it is starting to occur to me now also...

but with all that being said, lets break it down.
-i know my mom loves me to death
-i know my dad will be there if i neeeded him
-i know my sister got my back with anything
-i know my girlfriend loves me with all her heart and soul
-i know my friends will be down for me anytime i need it
-i know ive changed my way of living
-i know im a better person now

I LOVE MY LIFE!, thank you for everyone that is in it, you guys make my life awesome..


-special shout out to my baby boo <3 i love you honey
p.s get well soon!